I am perpetually trying to lose weight and when i read this article somewhere on the internet ,i found it really hilarious.
RULES FOR DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.” – Jackie Gleason
“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” – Dave Barry
“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.” – Ed Bluestone
“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” – Dolly Parton
“I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” – Shelley Winters
“The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.” – Unknown
“A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.” – Unknown
“Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” – Unknown
“Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.” – Unknown
“I bought a talking refrigerator that said “Oink” every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.” – Marie Mott
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – Garfield the Cartoon Cat
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” – Unknown
By the way, the main reason I liked the article so much was because these are exactly the rules I follow when I am on a diet. So,now you know the lil secret why I never seem to lose weight!!!!:-)
RULES FOR DIET:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots & Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.
Examples are: Spinach & Pistachio Ice Cream; Mushrooms & Mashed Potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We all know how calories like to cling!!)
Funny Weight Loss Quotes:
“I’ve been on a diet for two weeks. All I’ve lost is fourteen days.” – Totie Fields“The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you’re off it.” – Jackie Gleason
“The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.” – Dave Barry
“I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.” – Ed Bluestone
“I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.” – Dolly Parton
“I’m not overweight. I’m just nine inches too short.” – Shelley Winters
“The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.” – Unknown
“A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.” – Unknown
“Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.” – Unknown
“Aerobics: a series of strenuous exercises which help convert fats, sugars, and starches into aches, pains, and cramps.” – Unknown
“I bought a talking refrigerator that said “Oink” every time I opened the door. It made me hungry for pork chops.” – Marie Mott
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – Garfield the Cartoon Cat
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.” – Unknown
By the way, the main reason I liked the article so much was because these are exactly the rules I follow when I am on a diet. So,now you know the lil secret why I never seem to lose weight!!!!:-)
Hahahahaha..This is awesome!Now this makes us feel good abt NOT losing weight :P
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